


Joseph's Diary

by KrimsonMistress



Category: The Evil Within (Video Game)
Genre: Diary/Journal, Drinking, Emotional Hurt, Guilt, Loss, M/M, Memories, References to Depression, Sad, Secret Crush, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-11
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2019-03-16 23:34:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13646757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrimsonMistress/pseuds/KrimsonMistress
Summary: After Sebastian escaped STEM there is nothing left. The only thing he still has is a box with Joseph's personal belongings... but does he have the right to look at the most private part of his partner?





	Joseph's Diary

Sebastian was lying in his bed, staring at the ceiling. After Lily’s death and Myra’s disappearance he thought his life couldn’t get any worse. What an erroneous belief…

It had been one week since he escaped Beacon, but it still seemed like a present nightmare. Especially because now he knew what kept him sane due to all his losses.

Kidman. Connelly… Joseph.

He had been harsh to his partner in the last time due to his report. And because he called him every day. Asked him how he was. If he should bring food because somehow, he always cooked too much.

But now he was gone. Erased from the world. Just like Lily. Just like Myra. And it hurt like hell.

 

About an hour ago, a young officer named Winters brought a cardboard box to his apartment. It was the most dreadful box he’d ever seen, and he didn’t dare to open it yet.

“Those are some of Oda’s belongings.”, Winters said. “We couldn’t find any relatives, friends or a last will, so most of the stuff will go to charity, I guess. I think Oda would’ve liked that. However, I thought you’d might want to keep something, so I’ve brought a few things…”

Sebastian shook his head. Opening this box would mean that he had to face Joseph’s demise. But keeping it closed wouldn’t bring him back either.

He took a sip from his almost empty whiskey bottle and finally left the bed, sitting down on the floor in front of the box. After emptying the bottle, he finally cut through the duct tape.

_No relatives. No friends._

Right before Sebastian wanted to open the box, those words hit him like a thunderstruck. He got this box because Joseph had no one else. Because he had been just as alone as he was.

The guilt gouged into his heart. He should have been nicer. Joseph always just wanted to help him, even if his methods weren’t very sensitive sometimes. If only he could say sorry…

 

Sebastian shook his head and opened the box. The first thing he saw was a framed picture of him and Joseph from one of the staff Christmas parties. He hadn’t been at his partner’s apartment very often and had never seen it there… but he obviously cherished it, because it wasn’t dusty at all.

With an ache in his heart Sebastian took the picture and placed it on his own nightstand. Joseph looked so happy… so alive. He had never been very loud or cheerful, but his warm smile always reached Sebastian’s heart. Now he would never see it again.

He tried to ignore his now burning eyes and returned to the box to fully unpack it. It contained some very personal items and he felt like he didn’t even have the right to see them.

There was a photobook, some folders and closed envelopes, all his certificates along with some commendations and even a diary.

Sebastian looked at all the stuff. This was the most private part of Joseph. The one he was never allowed to see. His always modest partner had been secretly proud of all his accomplishments, since the most praising commendations and certificates were framed. Who could blame him? Joseph had always been so brilliant…

Sebastian’s throat was dry when he grabbed the photobook. It still felt wrong to him to disrespect Joseph’s privacy like that, but he couldn’t help himself. This was all that was left.

The book didn’t contain many photos, only some old pictures featuring Joseph as a child or teenager, never seen with his parents, just with an old man whose name was Hideki Oda, which Sebastian could learn out of an epitaph that was also included after those pictures. It stated that he died in 1997 at the age of 72, so he probably had been Joseph’s grandfather. The last page had a letter glued on it which made Sebastian swallow hard.

 

_Dear Joseph._

_I know that I can’t stay with you for very much longer and I’m really upset about that._

_I know that you need me, and I need you as well. But now it’s time to grow up._

_You will make it, I know it. You will become a brilliant Mounty and everyone who doubted you will get proven wrong._

_I’m sorry for my son and I hope you’ll be better than him and be able to forgive him one day._

_He might not be the best thing I ever did, but he got me you, my_ _孫息子_ _。_

_愛してるよ。あなたを誇りに思います。_

_I know that times will probably be hard for you now but I’m sure you will make it._

_Don’t let anyone bring you down._

_あなたを信じます。どうぞお元気で。_

_織田_ _秀樹_

Sebastian couldn’t read the Japanese parts of the letter, but it was enough to understand that something had gone terribly wrong with Joseph’s father. He must have done something horrible to his partner. Joseph was the most tolerant and kind person Sebastian had ever met. So, if he really had been unable to forgive his father there was some meaning behind it.

Sebastian put the photobook back into the box. It made him sad that he never thought about Joseph’s problems. Even in STEM he was more annoyed than worried by Joseph’s actions. How could _What the fuck_ be his reaction to Joseph trying to commit suicide?

He shook his head and took one of the closed envelopes. It still didn’t feel good, but he really wanted to learn some things about Joseph. Things he should have known earlier.

Sebastian opened the envelope and pulled out the contents. The first sheet was a note.

 

_Here are the pictures from our shooting. I hope you will like them._

As Sebastian scrolled through the following photos, his jaw dropped. Like the note said, those were pictures from a professional photo shooting, showing Joseph in shirt and dress pants like he saw him every day, but oh so different. Sebastian knew his partner as a shy and maybe a bit insecure person who didn’t think that much of himself and basically lived to lecture others. But this person in the photos was confident, posing and flirting with the camera. He even opened his shirt at some point. Sebastian had to admit that Joseph was very attractive. His partner had never had a reason to be insecure.

He grabbed the other envelopes and opened them as well. Like he suspected there were more photos inside. Joseph obviously had had fun with that and even a note of the photographer in one of the envelops stated, that he could not find a reason why Joseph didn’t want him to publish the pictures. But Sebastian knew the answer to that. If the pictures got published, there would have been a chance of one of the department seeing them by chance. And then he would have died in embarrassment.

Sebastian snatched up the pictures and put them back in the envelopes. It felt wrong to hide such beauty but even if Joseph was dead now, it still didn’t give him the right to publish the pictures. But maybe he would look at them from time to time…

He grabbed one of the files now and opened it. His jaw dropped again. It contained some amazing drawings. Some parts of Krimson like their favorite diner or some neighborhoods but also portraits of him, Kidman, other colleagues and even Myra and Lily. But most of them were of him. They were so detailed and well-drawn as if Joseph was a studied artist. Another undiscovered and lost talent. Even though Sebastian didn't think he was the best motive to work with.

Sebastian sighed. The last item to look at was Joseph’s diary. And it felt wrong. So very wrong. But he couldn’t help himself. He took the book and opened it.

 

_01/23/14_

_I’ve burned my old diary in the oven today. It felt good. Like a fresh start. I wish fresh starts were really that easy but it’s at least like pretending a fresh start. So many blank pages which are yet to be filled._

_I wish Sebastian could have a fresh start. But nothing I did helped. I just had to report him. Do something. Anything. I can’t just stand there and watch… and now I’m starting the new diary just like I ended the last one._

_It’s like New Year’s resolution. You tell yourself that you will do lots of stuff in the following year. Lose weight, drink less booze, all the standard. But in the end, you don’t do it. So, no matter if I burned the old diary, the new one will be filled with the same topic. Because nothing changes just because a year switches or you start a new diary. You’re still the same broken person._

_In times like this I really wished I wouldn’t have to deal alone with all of this. Because I am at a loss. I don’t know what to do._

_Sebastian found out today. He yelled at me and for a moment I though he would hit me. It wouldn’t change anything, but I never wanted to see him like this. And I never wanted him to hate me. But if it helps him in some way, if he gets the help he needs like this, then I don’t care. I just can’t watch it any longer. I’ve tried everything, and it slowly turns beyond my power._

_I know I should focus on myself again, but I just can’t. And worrying about him at least gives me a task. It feels better to think about his problems then of my own. But in nights like these I just wished that everything would be different. And I hate myself for it. I want him to heal because I’m selfish. Because I miss the old times. How happy he was. Now he doesn’t even look at me anymore. Maybe I screwed it up. I don’t know if I made the right decision. I just know that I couldn’t see another way to help him anymore. And maybe it will help him in some way._

Sebastian took a deep breath. He remembered that day. The day when he found out that Joseph had reported him to IA because of his drinking. He knew that his partner had good intentions, but he felt so angry nevertheless and didn’t speak with him for almost three weeks, after yelling at him. But he never would have hit his partner. They were too good friends after all. And it hurt him a little that Joseph thought that he was capable of that. But on the other hand, this entry showed how much he cared and worried about him and he wanted to know more.

 

_02/11/14_

_I can’t believe it’s been two years now. Time really flies. But it doesn’t heal anything._

_I’ve been to Lily’s grave after work and brought some flowers. I don’t know if it was the right thing to do, but it felt right to me._

_Sebastian talked to me again today. He didn’t do so since he freaked out on me, except for work-related stuff of course._

_But I don’t think he can be mad at this day. I wanted to hug him, but I didn’t dare to ask. Maybe I will never be allowed to do that again after the IA incident._

_I invited him over for dinner, but he refused. It was a dumb thing to ask but I just wanted to show him that I do care about him. That he can always come to me if he needs someone. But maybe that’s just the wrong thing to do. Maybe I’m just the wrong person to ask. But I don’t know…_

_I had those thoughts again. More intense than ever before. When I stood at Lily’s grave it just came over me._

_I should have been the one to die. Lily was too young, too innocent, too important._

_If I would have died instead of her everything would be so much better. Sebastian would still be happy. He could watch her grow up, together with Myra._

_If only I could… but I can’t. And if I kill myself now Sebastian will be even more alone. He needs me. Yes, he needs me! And that feels good. Maybe too good. But I have nothing else left. Can’t I just be happy that at least someone does need me in their life?_

_But that’s the point, right? He wouldn’t need me if he still was happy. And if he manages to get happy again, he won’t need me anymore. Do I even want him to be happy?_

_Of course, I do! But some part of me just wishes that he’ll still depend on me. That he will call me in the middle of the night because he got in a bar fight again and needs someone to pick him up and take care of him. Taking care of him is all I have. And that isn’t good. I must forget those thoughts and focus on him getting better. It’s his decision if he will still need me then._

Sebastian could feel a bit lump growing in his throat while reading this entry. Joseph sounded so broken and sad, already talking about suicide. He thought it was just STEM affecting him… but of course there had to be something else. STEM didn’t trigger him to commit suicide or to turn that fast. Joseph had been affected so easily because his mind was already broken. He did an excellent job in hiding but he couldn’t hide from himself.

Sebastian brushed his face with one hand. He should have noticed something. He should have _known_ that Joseph wasn’t okay as well. He should have asked. But now it was too late.

 

_03/25/14_

_I’m not writing very often. I used to write into my diary almost every day but now it was just lying here for over a month. And its not only the diary. It gets harder and harder for me to do all the stuff I need to do. I haven’t cleaned my apartment in two weeks. I never did that before. But I just couldn’t get myself to do it. I waste all my energy into work and Sebastian. And I feel like I soon won’t have enough for those things either. But I must stay strong._

_The truth is, it hurts. It hurts so much. Sebastian and I used to be so close and now we’re drifting apart. It’s my fault because I reported him. I brought this hell over myself._

_How can I stop it? What can I do? What can I say?_

_I need him more than ever. Maybe I should ask him for help._

_But what should I say? Sorry for disturbing you in your grief but I am very down and could use a hug? Great. That will do._

_I need to stay strong for him. That’s the only thing I can do._

“You idiot…” Sebastian shook his head and brushed over his face again. Those symptoms Joseph described were obvious signs of an actual depression. Was it his fault? Did he push Joseph this far by being so distant? Could he have helped him in some way?

But all those questions didn’t matter anymore. Joseph was dead. But he had been strong and fighting until the very end.

 

_04/03/14_

_I just can’t do this anymore. Now it even affects work. It’s like there is a lump hanging in my throat all the time. I need it to stop. I can’t breathe._

_I almost called Sebastian. I just wanted to hear his voice. How pathetic have I become?_

_I need some relief… anything._

_No. Not anything. If I hurt myself, they will notice._

_But it drives me mad. Maybe I should go out for a drink._

_But what if Sebastian calls? I can’t pick him up if I’m drunk as well…_

_I’ll just watch a movie to distract me._

It hurt Sebastian to read this entry. It was almost like he could feel Joseph’s pain and desperation. And it made him feel angry on himself. If he had been more observant he would have noticed. He did notice in STEM, but he ignored it because he tried on focusing to find an exit from this nightmare. But maybe he should have stopped for a moment to have an actual talk with Joseph. To reassure him that everything would be okay. Maybe he could have saved him somehow…

Sebastian felt his cheeks getting hot and noticed only after a few seconds that he was crying. It always had been hard for him to do that but now it just happened. He wiped over his eyes, taking a deep breath, before continuing to read.

 

_04/16/14_

_I caught myself again over the last weeks. I’m working, I’m eating, I’m cleaning, I’m sleeping, I’m watching over Sebastian._

_It’s all just routine and as long as I stay in the rhythm I’m good._

_I just can’t break it._

Sebastian felt the strong urge to hug Joseph, but of course it wasn’t possible. All the _What-If_ ’s were swirling around in his head, but he knew it was to late for all of them.

 

_06/19/14_

_I made Sebastian a present for his birthday. He didn’t like it. What a pity. I put in so much thought but maybe I should have done it more intuitive._

Sebastian paused reading to look at Joseph’s birthday present. It was a dreamcatcher and he _did_ put it over his bed. Not because he believed in it but because Joseph made it for him. But he remembered clearly how it went on his birthday.

 

_“Happy birthday.”, Joseph had said with his soft smile, handing him a small package._

_“You don’t have to get me anything, you know?”, Sebastian grumbled, still busy with work._

_“But I wanted to.”_

_Sebastian rolled his eyes and took the package, destroying Joseph’s elaborate packaging within a second. “What’s that?”, he asked when he finally held the dreamcatcher in his hand._

_“It’s a dreamcatcher. It will catch your bad dreams and let only the good ones pass.”_

_Sebastian huffed. “You believe in this shit?”_

_“I just thought…” Joseph sighed. “Never mind.”_

_“It looks crappy and it is crap. You should’ve gotten me a bottle of whiskey instead.” Sebastian threw the package in the trash can but kept the dreamcatcher on his desk._

_“I’m sorry. It was my first time making one. I’m not really good at this.” Joseph smiled a little. “Just throw it away, I don’t mind.”_

_“Wait… you made that yourself?”_

_“I just… tried. Because I know that you have bad dreams.”_

_“And you think that thing will make them go away?”_

_“Maybe… if you believe in it.”_

_Sebastian huffed again. “I never thought you’d be so naïve.”_

_Joseph shrugged and went back to his workplace and the conversation was over._

 

Sebastian closed his eyes and sighed deeply. Of course, it hurt him. He knew that he hurt him. But he just hadn’t been able to say sorry. Looking back on that diary entry, he left a lot of damage.

 

_Gosh, I’ve been so dumb. A dreamcatcher. How childish is that?!_

_But I just thought he’d understand. I was just trying to say that I would love to catch his bad dreams and make them go away. I would do anything for him. If only I could do something else than annoy him…_

Did he really leave that impression on him? Thinking back, he really had been grumpy all the time, pushing Joseph away whenever he tried to help him in some way. He should have listened…

 

_07/01/14_

_Sebastian forgot my birthday._

_I shouldn’t be so upset about this, but I am. I don’t even need presents or a birthday card or anything else. Just two words. Happy Birthday. Is that so much to ask for?_

_I’ve spent hours on making this bloody dreamcatcher that he probably just threw away and he hasn’t even got the time for two words?!_

_I feel so alone again… Maybe I should just stop playing his nanny. How would he feel if he calls me at night and I wasn’t there?! Well, if he calls tonight he’ll find out. I’m done. I’ll go out. It’s still my birthday and I have all rights to get drunk. Just one time. One night without any responsibilities._

Sebastian closed his eyes. He couldn’t deny that one. He had forgotten Joseph’s birthday this year. It was the first time that happened. Even in the year of Lily’s death he still had thought of him. Did it really go out of control? It was affecting the people around him… but now no one was left. So, no one to hurt anymore…

 

_07/02/14_

_I called in sick today. I’m so hungover. But I feel good. I met a nice guy named Tom. Or Tim. I can’t remember. And we had sex. God, how long has it been since my last time? It’s been so many years…_

_I should feel ashamed and dirty for doing a one-night-stand but… I don’t._

_Where is the point in waiting for true love when it never comes? I should face it. It’s silly to still have hope when I never had a chance to begin with._

_But I knew that before. I just don’t get why I still feel this way._

_Maybe because I’m a horrible person. With Lily and Myra gone, he is free. We could have a life. Maybe not perfect but… it could be something. We could move together. Buy a little house. Get married and adopt a kid._

_Hell no, why am I still thinking like that?! Sebastian will never love me back!_

The diary dropped down on the floor. No… it couldn’t be.

Sebastian’s eyes were stinging, his heart was aching, and a lump started choking him.

How could he miss that? How could he never suspect a thing? Just how?

Thinking back, Joseph wasn’t even that discreet. He had been just looking at him with a smile more than once. When Sebastian asked what he was doing, his partner always replied with _nothing_.

Sometimes they had to shower together, and Joseph always turned his back on him. He never dared to look. Sebastian thought he was shy but maybe he was just respectful.

Tears were dripping down his face when he realized what he could have had. While he was drowning self-pity and booze, Joseph had been reaching out for him. He couldn’t even understand how his partner could love him after all…

But it had no meaning anymore. Joseph was gone as well. Again, he couldn’t protect a loved one. The only thing he could do now was to find out who did this to him. And when he would find them they would suffer even more than he did right now…

**Author's Note:**

> I just randomly thought "What if Sebastian found out that Joseph had a crush on him after Kidman "killed" him in STEM?"   
> And this is the outcome of that thought. I hope you liked it. :3
> 
> ♥Lots of Love, Lucy


End file.
